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14 May 2016 @ 03:38 am
I have exactly the family I always wanted. A whole big bunch of kids who love each other and deserve each other and who wouldn't even know each other if we hadn't chosen to parent them all. It was such an improbable thing I wanted. I'm not used to getting what I want. These kids are together because they are mine.
15 November 2015 @ 12:17 am
Today I caught myself saying to my sweet little baby, "Don't blame me. I didn't bring you into this world."

I didn't. And I was reminded of all of the reasons I never thought I wanted to make a baby of my own, until I did and the world turned upside down. But that was only my world.

And now my world is right side up again, but the rest of the world is still upside down.
04 November 2015 @ 10:44 pm
Today she is six months old.

Today her parental rights were terminated. She is officially adoptable.

Today, six years ago, was the first day I was ever a mom.
17 June 2015 @ 11:44 pm
Please wake up so I can put you to bed.


05 June 2015 @ 10:35 pm
1. Today I met a random oversharing mom who told me a Whole Lot of Things. One of them was that her kiddos (similar in age to my oldest two) were born when she was in her mid to very late forties. She's got schoolagers and she's in her fifties. Made me feel a little bit better about a billion teenagers in my fifties.

2. I just completed a word puzzle where the clue and answer were- "The youth of old age: fifties"
05 June 2015 @ 12:49 am
He thought we'd made a decision. I had NO IDEA he thought that. If it is settled for him it is settled for me.

This is totally fucking insane.
04 June 2015 @ 12:07 am
Those rumors were true.

Now what do we do? Spend our 50's raising ANOTHER teenager?

Now a baby isn't a big deal, but we will be old when the hard part comes. Can we do it? Do we want to?

It is only one more year. We are only one year older. Forty was our cut-off for babies and here we are: 40. But two? Two babies?

They are Fourteen months apart. My baby is still a baby. How can he be a big brother? I don't want to share my attention! I don't want to be unable to carry him around because I have another baby that needs to be held. I want him to Be The Baby. HE is MY baby.

But she is theirs and they are hers.

How are we even allowed to make this decision?!?! Can someone else make it for us? Please?

There is a baby. She belongs to our kids. The court wants her to be a part of our family. She IS part of our family.

We don't want a baby. We like our family exactly how it is.

But I know we could do it.

Can we say no? How can we say no? How can we say no when she is theirs and they are hers? How can we say no when she NEEDS a family and WE are her family? Can we say no?

We ARE her family.

I don't think we can say no.

Yes doesn't feel right. No doesn't feel right. I can talk myself in or out of yes or no.

I think I can.

I think I probably can't say no.

She is theirs and they are hers. We are her family.

These things are True.

Can we say no?

How do you make a decision like this? How do you KNOW? Shouldn't we KNOW???

I love my kids so much. I want them to have everything. But not all the things. The kind of Everything that means a full heart and an exploring mind and a compassionate soul and I want them to be WHOLE.

This is hard.
12 May 2015 @ 09:22 pm
A co-occurrence of epic proportions.
30 April 2015 @ 11:28 pm
For my 40th birthday I went back on the pill. Apparently, I have traded two days of literally debilitating pain a month for moderate to severe pain Every Day. At this point I'm still planning to stick it out the 12 weeks I've committed to, but so far this SUCKS.
06 February 2015 @ 11:40 pm
Someone has heard a rumor that the kids' mom is pregnant again.

. . .

. . .

I don't. . . I. . .

I'm counting chickens. Who knows what could happen. I don't understand how she stays healthy enough to keep having babies.

My kids are wonderful and amazing and I love them beyond belief and I could NEVER deny them the opportunity to grow up with a sibling no matter the circumstances.

Knowing. . . expecting that she might be pregnant again is so different this time than it was with sister. I wanted her So Badly and I had no right to and no reasonable expectation that she would be mine. I still can't believe she is.

This time there are a hundred million things to worry about. But it doesn't matter. IF there is a baby and IF that baby needs us that is all that matters.

I kind of really don't want my baby to stop being the baby. Not anytime soon.