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10 November 2009 @ 08:27 pm
I cry  
Did I promise a post?

Sorry. This is fucking hard. Don't get me wrong, it is totally worth it. And it is also really fucking hard. It would help if I could stop crying all the time. I think I've cried every single day since kiddo has been here. I've laughed every day too. Thinking about it, I'm not sure I did before which really kind of sucks.

So I cry all the time. And I know I'm exhausted and have spent the week either pre- or menstrual (that takes care of that update. . .) but this is still a remarkable amount of crying.

I cried at Walmart. Not because I was so appalled with my presence there in the first place (which might have been enough) but because I felt like such an imposter. How dare I run around in public with this gorgeous baby that isn't mine? How dare I inflict on others the kind of pain that I feel when I see carts full of babies when all I want is to get my shopping done and go home?

I cry when he holds my face in his hands like he is trying to memorize it or wants to know if I'm going to fuck him over.

I cry because sometimes when he says "Momma", he means me.

I cry because sometimes I can't tell if he means me or if he means his mom.

I cry when he comforts himself by talking about his Daddy.

I cry when he gives me unsolicited kisses.

I cry when he runs under my legs because something was startling and *I'm* the the one he trusts to keep him safe.

I cry because I've fallen (HARD!) chasing him when he runs away because he doesn't want to come inside.

I cry because he might leave to go home or to another placement.

I cry because he might stay and be mine forever.

I cry because I'm crying in front of him and I don't want him to be alarmed or think that he is making me cry.

I cry because this is so fucking hard and I'm so fucking tired and because this is something that I never really thought I'd have.
(Deleted comment)
1tsp_grace1tsp_grace on November 12th, 2009 04:33 am (UTC)
Thank you. This post took so long to come up because every time I thought about it all there were more tears.

I really, really hope that all of the amazing and wonderful things show up here. There really are so many.

It really is worth it.
~ Laura ~amorsalado on November 11th, 2009 06:38 pm (UTC)
I don't even know what to say other than I love this post. It's honest and it's raw and it's real.

I don't have a clue what you're feeling right now; I've never been in this spot. I think you are very very strong though, because I couldn't do it. I won't be in this spot. Ever. It takes a damned special kind of person to foster, and I'm just not one of them. I'm so glad that you are.
1tsp_grace1tsp_grace on November 12th, 2009 04:38 am (UTC)
That is why I knew I had to do it. Because I knew I could and I know that most people can. I feel sort of obligated. And definitely "called".

We are having so much fun! All this other stuff is completely worth it. And I really, very much hope that some of the really amazing things about our experience read here because it really is wonderful.

And thank you. So much.
(Anonymous) on January 2nd, 2010 06:22 pm (UTC)
Here from the creme. I can completely relate as a new foster mom and am glad to know I'm not alone!

1tsp_grace1tsp_grace on January 6th, 2010 04:35 am (UTC)
Thanks for letting me know you stopped by! I hope you'll let me support you in any way I can. This is a hard road, but so very worth it!
(Anonymous) on January 2nd, 2010 08:56 pm (UTC)
Popped over from the Crème de la Crème list.
I've considered foster care, ever so briefly, but decided I'm not ready for the heartache. Yet, it's so important for the children in need of foster care that some people do brave the heartache.
I sincerely hope that overall, the balance of your fostering will be positive for all involved.

1tsp_grace1tsp_grace on January 6th, 2010 04:36 am (UTC)
This is exactly my hope too and the goal I work toward. It is so much easier to write about the hard times; I hope I do a fair job of sharing the rewarding times as well.

Best of luck to you however your journey goes.
ext_220443 on January 3rd, 2010 07:50 pm (UTC)
Here from creme de la creme... Thank you for sharing this post. My husband and I are waiting for our first foster placement, and I'm sure I'm going to go through all of those same feelings. It's nice finding blogs from other people going through it.
1tsp_grace1tsp_grace on January 6th, 2010 04:40 am (UTC)
I'm so excited for you! Accepting a placement was a much more difficult part of the process for us than I expected. Trust that things will work out for the best and please feel free to call on me as a resource or support whenever you'd like!
ext_220443 on January 6th, 2010 07:09 am (UTC)
What parts of accepting a placement were more difficult than you expected? Any advice?
1tsp_grace1tsp_grace on January 6th, 2010 08:45 pm (UTC)
I think it will be easier for you if you are hoping for an adoption. We are open to adoption, but are not seeking it as our main goal right now.

We had two difficulties. First, the agency kept calling us about kids who were exhibiting behaviors that we weren't comfortable dealing with. They asked us what we were and were not comfortable with before putting us on the "vacancy" list. We told them what we wouldn't accept, believing we would not be called about those kids. It was really hard to say no to any kid at all. And it was hard to continue to wait for a placement after we had been waiting so long, but it was the right decision.

Second, it turns out that I was really uncomfortable accepting placement of a child who was in need of permanency, who has no chance at all of going home ever. It felt like having to much power over someone else's life. It meant that we were either committing to parent this child through adulthood or we were going to eventually have to make the decision that this child could no longer live with us. It meant that this would probably be the only child we would ever parent.

The decision not to accept placement of a child in permanency was incredibly difficult for me, but it was the right choice. The placement we have now is a great fit for me and my partner. We think kiddo will probably end up going home, but if he can't we will absolutely consider adoption. By the time it comes up we will be confident that our home is where he belongs rather than having to make that kind of decision without knowing each other first.

My advice is to trust your instincts. We turned down several placements that just didn't feel right. It was absolutely heart-wrenching and those were some of the most difficult decisions I've ever made, but I believe that we made the right choices. You will too.
(Anonymous) on January 10th, 2010 02:22 am (UTC)
I'm here From the Creme- and I'm so glad to have found you blog. I (we) have very recently started the Fostering process, and it's great to find an honest rescource. I shall be checking in often!

1tsp_grace1tsp_grace on January 10th, 2010 05:06 pm (UTC)
Re: Hello
Thanks for letting me know you were here! Good luck!